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Star Warped:
Legend of the lost
script
By Jonathan James,
Mike Baumann, and Alex Gustafson
“A couple weeks ago,
in a suburb, five hours south of Chicago”
A
vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main
title. War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup
slowly crawls into infinity.
“It is a
period of unrest among Star Wars fans, as well as Lucasfilm personnel. After the
constant criticizing of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, much of the hype involved
with the prequel trilogy has dissolved into constant expectation of failure.
Now, with the upcoming release of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, a new
development has sprung within the collective of Lucas film; supposedly a plan
that will renew all of the hype that arouse with the first prequel, though few
know what it may be. Rumor says that only the Episode 3 script will tell.
An unforeseen event has occurred, however. The newly completed Episode 3
screenplay has been smuggled away from the protective grasp of Skywalker Ranch
and has been set on a rendezvous course with three of the most unlikely fans in
the American Midwest…”
The camera pans from
its view of the night sky until we see an abandoned highway, where a BLOCKADE
RUNNER--a.k.a. a car of some sort--pursed
by an Imperial STAR DESTROYER—a.k.a. a cheap p.o.s. that the Lucasfilm execs
call a suitable form of transportation.
int. runner-night
In the interior of the
runner, the DRIVER swerves, furiously in a vain attempt to loose the destroyer.
Next to him, KARA examines a bound copy of the episode 3 SCREENPLAY, briefly
before turning around to look at the destroyer as it slowly gains on them.
kara
Can’t this thing go
any faster?
ext. road-night
We see the two
vehicles speed off into the distant road, the destroyer slowly beginning to
overtake the smaller car.
int. destroyer-night
A DARK ENFORCER sits
at the wheel, jerking the wheel left or right every once in a while, in an
attempt to stay on the road, while still pursuing the runner. In the
passenger’s seat, we see PARKER, glaring at the other car as it slowly slides
closer and closer.
parker
Prepare the
turbolasers and fire when ready.
dark enforcer
Yes, sir.
ext. road-night
On the destroyer,
several TURBOLASERS emerge from various places about its “hull” and commence
to fire upon the runner.
int. runner-night
A rumble rocks the
car, as Kara looks back, her face a combination of mute horror and complete
bafflement.
kara
H-how is that
possible?
The driver shrugs, and
swerves to avoid another blast. Kara sighs.
kara
(Cont’d)
Take that turn up
ahead. Try and lose them.
ext. road-night
The runner swerves as
it take another blast to the rear bumper and quickly turns back into the correct
lane. The two cars ride for a short while until the runner’s turn signal
blinks on and it turns. We see the turn signal on the destroyer blink on as it
turns in pursuit.
int. runner-night
Kara looks around in
distress as the car is rocked by another bolt from the destroyer.
kara
We aren’t going to
make it…
Desperate, she turns
around and begins to shuffle through the array of various junk in the back seat.
ext. road-night
We see the destroyer
close in on the runner until the bumpers are almost touching.
int. runner-night
Kara continues to
search through the back seat as the car is rocked by a collision with the
destroyer.
kara
No! I need more time!
ext. road-night
The destroyer eases
back, slightly, but keeps pace with the beaten runner.
int. destroyer-night
Parker smiles with
malice…(He’s really evil)
parker
We have them now.
Activate the tractor beam.
The enforcer sighs and
pulls out a PLUNGER before he begins to climb out the window.
int. runner-night
After much searching,
Kara finally finds what she is looking for and breaths a sigh of relief as she
pulls it free of the cluttered garbage. The camera cuts to a closeup of the
small Chihuahua that happens to bear a remarkable resemblance to the Taco Bell
DOG.
ext. road-night
We see the dark
enforcer, hanging from the front of the destroyer, vainly attempting to stab the
runner with the plunger.
int. destroyer-night
parker
Oh, put your back into
it!
int. runner-night
Kara hastily slips the
screenplay into the dog’s collar and rolls her window down.
kara
Fly far, and don’t
look back.
Without another word,
she pushes the furry “animal” that appears to be quite stuffed, out the
window.
ext. road-night
We see the dog fly a
record distance of—yep, you guessed it—two feet, before it slams into a
telephone pole and hits the ground. Cut to a close-up shot as the “loveable”
dog leaps to its feet and trots off in a random direction, away from the
road—as much as we’d like to see it splattered by a drunken trucker, it’s
vital to the plot.
int. runner-night
Kara gives a sigh of
resignation and turns to the driver before looking to the unpredictable
horizon—pretty artsy, ain’t it?
ext. road-night
The camera cuts to a
view of the silencer as he finally manages to stick the plunger to the rear of
the runner.
int. runner-night
kara
There’s nothing more
we can do here. Stop the car.
The driver nods and
breaks.
ext. road-night
The runner screeches
to a halt, forcing Parker to stop the destroyer. In response, the enforcer is
cast into the back of the runner.
int. destroyer-night
Parker rolls his eyes
and exits the vehicle.
ext. road-night
We see the enforcer
fall to the ground and hastily pick himself back up as Parker passes.
parker
Use boarding
procedures.
The silencer nods,
tears the door from the runner and pulls Kara out. The driver opens his door and
throws a couple items that could in no way do any damage what-so-ever at the
silencer before running off in the other direction. The silencer pulls a blaster
from his belt and shoots the man on the spot, then turns the gun to Kara.
kara
No…
parker
I want this one alive.
Set your weapon to stun.
The silencer nods
again and hits Kara over the head with the butt of the gun.
ext. fields
We see the dog turn
back in the direction that it ran from briefly, before continuing it’s
odyssey. As it walks, we see a “You are now entering Illinois” sign.
FADE TO:
ext. taco bell parking
lot-day
The camera pans along
with the traveling dog until we see the TACO BELL sign, next to the building
proper.
int. taco bell-day
Mark
I’m telling you Jedi
Has the best ending.
Jake
No way Dude, the best
ending has got to be Empire. Lucas tells everyone that Vader is Luke’s father,
but he leaves it completely ambiguous.
Jason
No you’re both
wrong. (Stands up and slams his fist on the table). The best ending is Episode
four because the…(Camera show the dumb looks given to Jason by his comrades
and Jason sits down) I-I mean I like Jedi.
Mark
See I told you FX
rules. I admit using a shoe for a Star Destroyer was a dumb idea but three
battles at once; You can’t go wrong.
Jake
Your right the idea of
using a shoe for a Star Destroyer is as bad as killing Chewie with a moon but
that’s irrelevant the facts say that leaving people hanging at the end of
Empire put butts in the seats. (Stands up and throws his trash away, the others
follow)
Jason
Look if you’re gonna
start argueing about what movie grossed the most money, and I know you know
where this is going, Episode 1.
Jake
Yeah, but episode one
had a fatal Flaw (pauses and looks at Jason) and its pink and stupid and it
talks with an alien lisp. (He opens the door to the parking lot)
ext. taco bell parking
lot-day
We see the three exit
the building still talking. (What they are saying should be put with what will
be written for the previous scene) The dog continues its trot, straight toward
the three.
mark
(doing a bad
impression of Jar Jar Binks)
Yeah yousa mean Binksss. (noticing the dog) Hey, what’s that?
jake
Looks like a Chihuahua
jason
See! I told you that
damn dog had a double meaning. Probably escaped from the butchering room.
Jake takes a step
toward the bald canine.
jake
Yes, that’s why they
took the time to give the thing a collar.
(crouching to
pet the dog)
I think it’s a
runaway.
mark
Dude! You don’t know
where that thing’s been.
jason
I’ve got a pretty
good idea.
jake
Right…
(he notices the
script)
I think it’s got
something on its neck.
jason
Like a tumor?
jake
(ignoring him)
Looks like paper.
Jake carefully pulls
the script free and examines it. The camera cuts to a closeup of the script and
pans down. We see the printed words “Star Wars: Episode 3
The End of the Beginning by George Lucas”
jake
I think you guys
should check this out.
int. house-day
The three gather
around the script as if it were a holy artifact of some sort.
jason
Well, at least we all
know George can still plug out the names…
mark
Dude, this thing’s
gotta be a fake.
jake
If it were fake, it
would be everywhere by now… I mean, how many people use diseased canines to
distribute their masterworks?
mark
There’s only one way
to be sure…
int. computer
room-day
We see the three
gathered around a computer as Mark explains.
mark
Welcome to Morpheus.
You’ll never find a more wretched hive of bootlegged material and sick fetish
videos. If we find the script up here, then we’ll be keyed in that it’s a
fake.
jason
Come again?
mark
Okay, if there were an
actual version of the Episode 3 script in circulation, then George would go
right for the jugular and pursue legal action on every host that would dare
harbor such material. To put it simply, if it’s a hoax, then he could care
less.
Mark
types something into the computer and we hear the sound of the computer
processing. There is a long wait. Everyone taps there feet expectantly.
jason
Dude, you’re on the
net, right?
mark
Yeah. Why?
jason
Adultcity.com!!!
mark
What? Why?
jason
Natalie Portman, dude!
They’ve got pics of her in the golden bikini man! Jabba style!
mark
No! This things a
Gateway! You’ll put the thing in a friggin coma if you run two apps at the
same time.
jake
Hey, enough about the
happy globes, there’s nothing coming up.
jason
Not yet.
Suddenly
the window shatters inward in a great explosion of flying glas(a.k.a. crushed
ice that will be thrown through the open window). The three simultaneously turn
around to see a DARK ENFORCER fly through the expanse where the window once was.
Standing straight, the enforcer, ignites a lightsaber and faces the three, who
look on in mute horror.
jason
I knew it!!! George
you lying son of a—
At
this moment, Jason rushes the enforcer with a metal bar from the bed(wink, wink)
and hits him over the head with it. The enforcer drops the saber and falls out
the window, screaming. The three rush to see him fall and we hear a loud
“thump” noise. All three flinch.
enforcer
Oww!
Behind
them several enforcers burst through the door, all wielding sabers like the
other one. Jason turns and spins the saber expertly before putting a hand out
and sending them all about with the force. Behind them at the window, however,
the first enforcer finally climbs back in through the window, ready to fight
again. Jake throws a JAR JAR CUP at the enforcers head, knocking him back out
through the window.
mark
Knew the little
bastard would come in handy some day.
jason
Let’s roll.
The
three all exit through the door, tossing a kick or two into a random enforcer.
ext.
streets-night
The
three are outside walking the streets, at a hurried pace.
jake
Now, wait a minute…
Those—those… Whoever the hell they were, they were trying to kill us!
mark
And
those…sabers…How is that possible?
jake
Yeah, and just where
did you learn to fight like that?
jason
The Jedi reveals not
his methods.
jake
Screw Jedi, how the
hell did you do that?
jason
Not telling. How about
we just go on and forget that ever happened.
jake
Alright. How about I
remove your friggin wookie with a spoon?
jason
Internet tutorial.
side wipe TO:
int.
enforcer base-night
We
see Kara, next to two enforcers. Parker enters the room.
parker
So, Kara. Ready to
talk yet?
Kara
looks at him blankly.
enforcer
Umm…Sir your
hand’s over your mouth. I don’t think she can hear you.
parker
(removing hand)
Ah, yes… So, how
goes the interrogation?
enforcer
We’ve failed to
learn anything useful as of yet.
parker
Well you just have to
ramb it deeper!!!
(His hand returns to
his mouth)
Bring me my
interrogation droid.
We
see the cheesy looking DROID enter accompanied by the whistling sound of one of
the enforcers.
parker
Now, Kara, you will
talk…
enforcer
Uhh…Sir. Your
hand’s back there again.
parker
Silence! You will not
question the powers of the dark side.
Parker
angrily shoves his hand out in the “sith choke” stance, but nothing happens.
He trys several times before angrily kicking the enforcer in the mommy-daddy
button, giving the upset cry of
parker
Aww, fff—
int.
taco bell-night
Jake,
Mark and Jason enter, still talking.
jake
Tell us again, oh
fearless leader, why in the name of the Flannelled One are we here?
mark
Yeah, cause I’ve got
a bad feeling about this.
jason
Because I have felt
the presence of one who can help us.
mark
The last time you felt
the presence of something, you were staring vacantly at the Britney Spears Pepsi
commercial.
The
camera cuts to a booth where HARRIS SOLO, sits, enjoying a nice meal of domestic
animal. Finishing his meal, he stands to throw it away, but is stopped by GREEDO.
greedo
Going somewhere, man?
harris solo
Why yes, I was just
going to see your master right now. Tell Kevin Smith I have Mark Hammill’s
hand, and I’ll get it to him in the morning.
greedo
But what about Carrey
Fischer’s slave uniform, Solo?
harris solo
Hey, look. I drove
right into a Star Wars convention.
greedo
Smith’s through with
your excuses.
harris solo
Hey, even I get
boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice? Let’s see how you fare when
you’re being attacked by thousands upon thousands of lifeless fanboys having
left the protective womb of their parents basements for one day of their
pathetic lives for the mere chance to place hands upon worthless memoravalia.
greedo
Hey, man. I ain’t
got all day. Yous better start handin over da hand I’m gonna have mess you up,
man.
Greedo
points a blaster at Solo’s head, in gansta style.
greedo
Hand over the hand ,
and I may only take the Sarah Michelle Gellar nude pics.
harris solo
Over my dead body.
greedo
That can be arranged.
And I’ve never missed.
harris solo
I’ll bet you have.
Greedo
shoots, straight at Solo’s head, but he moves his head slightly to the side,
causing the blaster to ricochet off of the wall, hitting Greedo in the face. We
cut to a view of Jake, Mark, and Jason as they approach Solo who is bent over
Greedo, with a blaster in his face.
greedo
I won’t say it. You
can’t make me!
harris solo
Say it!
greedo
(defeated) Yo Quero
Taco Bell.
Solo
has a good laugh. The three approach.
jason
That your truck out
front?
harris solo
Who’s asking?
jason
We’re just travelers
who wish to leave in a hurry.
harris solo
Alright. Where to?
jason
We don’t know,
we’ve been experiencing troubles of the Imperial sort.
harris solo
What’s the cargo?
jason
Three dudes, no
chicks, a screenplay and no questions asked.
harris solo
Screenplay?
jason
I said “no questions
asked”…
harris solo
Alright… Names Solo.
Harris Solo.
int.
enforcer base-day
We
see Parker, with several enforcers as well as Kara.
parker
So, Kara. If you
won’t reveal to us, the location of the script. Perhaps you will tell us the
location of your secret warehouse.
kara
No, not really.
parker
(Does jedi mind-track
motion) Oh, but you do.
kara
No. I don’t.
parker
(does motion again)
You will reveal to us the location of your warehouse.
kara
No.
parker
(hand motion) You WILL
tell—
kara
Christ! Would you
knock that off. I’m not telling you.
At
this point, Parker angrily starts bitch-slapping her, while shouting
parker
You will tell us the
location of your hidden warehouse!!!
int.
falcon-day
We
see the group of four, having been on the road for quite some time.
harris solo
So, what exactly is it
that you’re running from anyway.
mark
Lucas’ goons.
harris solo
I see… What do they
want…
mark
Well…
He
reaches back and pulls the script free, handing it to Solo. Solo glances at it
briefly before his eyes widen in disbelief.
harris solo
Why… This—
jason
Yep.
harris solo
I know of a place that
you can take this. It’s in California.
mark
California? Is the
budget that large?
ext.
road-day
We
see several enforcer cars begin to drive next to the Falcon.
int.
falcon-day
Jake
looks out the window.
jake
We’ve got incoming
fighters.
mark
They’ll overtake us!
harris solo
Not bloody likely.
We’ve got something they don’t. Third gear.
Solo
shifts gears and the falcon outruns the fighters.
int.
fighter-day
We
see two enforcers.
enforcer
Curses!
Outside,
we see a girl on a bicycle, moving faster than them.
int.
falcon-day
harris solo
You see, Lucas is so
incredibly cheap, he wouldn’t dare equip his men with anything he couldn’t
afford with pocket change.
ext.
road-day
We
see the Falcon riding along the open road.
harris solo
So, California it is?
ext.
warehous ruins-day
We
see the Falcon arrive at the ruins of what was once the secret warehouse.
Everyone exits and circles around the flaming ruins of what was once the
warehouse.
jason
What? This—how can
this be…What happened?
harris solo
Lucas’ goons must
have gotten here first.
jake
But… What are we
supposed to do now? Where can we take the script?
parker
How about where it
belongs?
They
all turn to see Parker, holding an ignited lightsaber, accompanied by several
enforcers.
int.
enforcer base-day
We
see the group of four, bound next to Kara in the enforcer’s prison.
parker
As you can see, Kara,
your little plan has failed.
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